She keeps telling me she’s more into girls than guys.  But her actions say otherwise.

I know I’m the first girl she’s actually gotten down and dirty with so she might be shy…but she doesn’t seem very shy when her head’s bobbing up and down on my husband’s cock.

When we’re together she loves to kiss me, she loves to get me naked, she seems to really love me going down on her (which is SO friggin yummy) but she seems skiddish of me.  She ONLY will touch JUST my clit.  Nothing else.  No oral, no fingering, hardly even any boob gropage.

I know I’m not gross…I don’t have a weird looking vag – I don’t think.  I know I taste just fine .  I just don’t get it.  

Is she shy??  Is she uncertain?  Is she just using me to get into my husband’s pants?  I don’t know how to ask her about it and I don’t know if i like being with someone who I feel isn’t into me completely ya know?  

So…does she like the pussy??

Friends I’ve met on the internet, who have been swingers for YEARS and YEARS just split up.  They told me this AFTER I told them how my husband and I just started into the lifestyle ourselves.  Funny.

A few months ago they were encouraging us 100% to get into the lifestyle.  Tonight he told me 100% to NOT do it….ever ever ever.

They tried to quit and realized they had nothing left in their marriage.  They were addicted to the swinging and it was all they had.

I’m scared now.

These people own swinging clubs, were writing a book, were active swingers for years and years and years.  They started out just like my husband and I.  Completely in love and wanting some spice.

So, the day before I have an amazing 4some planned, I am now shocked…scared…confused but also feeling like…can we still do this anyway?

Am I kidding myself that Hubby and I are invincible?  No…I don’t think we are that.   I think we’re smart, I think we’re in love… I think I think I think.

We’ve already said we don’t want to be promiscuous.  Those people had a new couple in their home every weekend it seemed.  They just fucked whoever.

To me, I think this lifestyle would eventually dry out…thus far I see so much substance and love in my marriage…I don’t NEED to be in an open marriage.  I am perfectly happy to call it off at any given moment and move on with life.  The only thing I need is the three main men in my life.  My kids and my husband.

I just want to gain some sexual experience and have some sexy times with my husband.  Things to look back on when we’re old and think “we were so wild”.

This is seemingly risky business…riskier than I thought.  It’s not WORTH risking anything…but is it risky for US? Am I kidding myself?

Well…I wish I had that conversation with them in a few weeks…not today.  Tonight I’m going away with my husband for the weekend.  We’re going to meet up with a couple and fool around…no sex still…just fooling around.  But now is that ruined for me?  I don’t wanna discuss this with Hubby tonight…i just want to have fun.

I just want to meet up with that boy next Friday for a good time.  I guess not now…not without discussion.  Boy…we need a talk.

Stay sober.

Especially if there’s still limits within the open relationship, like no sex allowed or no oral sex.  If there are limits set, then people need to stay sober.

How do I know this?  Well….I didn’t stay sober.

I was absolutely smashed this saturday and my own limits were crossed, not my husbands.  Now I don’t feel really bad about it, I mean…I knew I was going to have intercourse with this person sooner or later…and lately I’ve been wanting it more sooner than later.  But still…I hardly even remember the sex let alone how it all even happened.

His wife also put it a good way “I feel less like an idiot after if I stay sober”.  It’s true.  I have no idea how good I was, I could have laid there and drooled for all I know.  I seriously have no clue.

My intention is never to get THAT smashed.  It was an empty stomach with wine and gin and 420 and…ya…bad combo.  I feel like an idiot because I dunno if I was an idiot the whole time or not.  I do remember a short time in the shower and an attempt to go for a walk outside with nothing on at all….ya that’s how drunk I was.

For my own life, for this lifestyle, for my health, for my bank account…I want to stop drinking so much.  I make too many mistakes, it’s getting too easy to get hammered and feel fine the next day.  A few drinks on a full stomach to loosen you up is one thing…but I only want to be a little bit loose…not all the way loose. 

Here’s to not making that mistake again…sober swinging is smart swinging.  You’re likely to cross too many lines and…you’re just not going to be as fun in bed…I’m pretty sure I didn’t give my best performance that night.

I soooo need a sober re-do.

I didn’t realize I would have such a hard time with the actual “intercourse” part.  I suddenly am having this deep sense of sacredness about my…um…sex?  I dunno the right word for it.  Hubby is the only one I’ve slept with EVER and there’s something sacred in that.  There’s something sacred about the fact that that is only for him.  Perhaps I DO have a moral compass.

I’m more protective over myself in that way than my own husband.  I could easier allow him to have sex with a women than I would allow myself to have sex with a man.  I mean, I’ve been VERY close to intercourse with another man and I’d enjoy it at the time…but then it’s over.  Hubby’s not my only one anymore.  The sacredness of it all is, gone.

It’s funny, for a woman who can suck a guy off with another woman while her husband is knuckles deep in both their pussies, I have a moral conviction about this.  Odd isn’t it?

I’ve been considering how to go about it, if I do decide that I want to go ahead with it all.  It WOULD be so much fun to try sex with other people.  My problem is that I don’t want the first person to be just ANYONE.  It’s like, giving something of myself again, like when I gave away my virginity.  It’s like….a second…virginity.  

It has to be someone I trust completely, someone I find to be really sexy, and someone who respects me and my husband.  I already have him in mind.  I’m not going to say TOO many good things about him cuz I know he reads this  But he’s all those things.  He’s also someone who’s in the EXACT same place as me in this.  Unsure.  

But then, is that a bad idea?  There might be something wrong about doing that with someone you have history with.  Feelings?

I love my husband to bits, there’s no way on earth I’d leave him for ANYONE.  Never ever ever ever ever ever ever.  But, with anyone, there’s feelings.  I have feelings for my friends.  Feelings are GOING to happen.  

So which are the wrong ones and which are the right ones?

I care, I respect, this person is special to me in a variety of ways.  I love him as a friend whom I’ve had a lot of history with and someone who I connect with on a very cool level.  I’m not going to fall IN love with him.  I wont want to run away and make babies with him.  Nothing would overshadow my affection for my own husband or my lust for him.

A new connection would be made though.  If that’s “feelings”  I dunno.  But there would be something there.  I have absolutely no clue what it would be like or how I would feel with it.  But, I feel like there would be an IT.  A completely non threatening IT.  But it’s still something…and I don’t know if that’s wrong or not?

I still don’t know about it all though.  Part of me just wants to be blindfolded and gang banged by a bunch of strange men.  Part of me wants to just tell my husband that I’m backing out of the sex part.  The other part wants that boy (ya I just called him a boy lol).

This lifestyle CAN be sexy without the intercourse.  I mean, saturday night…wow.  It was an amazing 4some.  Lets just say I’m a squirter and things got rather wet.  It was so sexy.  The guy I was with though, I don’t wan him to be the first guy I fuck…I dunno if I even want to fuck him.

It was also so sexy to be with that “boy” on my couch, totally naked, enjoying each other.  It just made me want more of him.  LOTS more.

That’s it for today’s verbal vomit.  I’m too lazy to check for spelling mistakes.

We’ve had about 4 encounters with other couples so far and they seem to get dirtier every time.  We haven’t given each other the go ahead for intercourse though, I’m just…not ready.

He’s the only man who’s ever ever ever ever had sex with me.  So part of me sees intercourse as being extremely intimate.  Part of me is just scared of it with other people.  I’m just..not ready, and I’m ok with that.

What I didn’t expect is that the people we would explore this with would all be friends of ours who are going through the same thing.  Is it a trend lately or are just more people opening things up?

I first thought this would be sexy from reading blogs.  Naomi from Ethical Sluts was doing the same thing.  She happened upon this blog and…in the end…they were the first couple we swapped with.  It was an incredibly sexy experience.  I’m glad we started off with a couple we trusted completely. I’d give the dirty details but then they’d read it and make fun of me.  Ha ha ha ha

After the first time I totally felt fine.  There’s really something amazing about trusting your partner so much that you just don’t get jealous at all.  My husband and I had some communication issues before all of this came about.  The moment we completely opened up about our sexuality, our entire relationship opened up.  It’s been amazing.  Who would have known?

Sorry this is all over the place.  We were up till 6:30 am with a couple   I have no sense left in my brain…or fluids left in my body.

Anyway, I’m smart in a lot of ways of life.  Some people tell me I’m wise even, “an old soul”, perceptive beyond my years.  Indeed I am.  But there’s some ways I’m a total dumbass and I guess the first step is noticing it.

1. I’m a dumbass with money.  Totally stupid.  I’m scared of it so I never check to see how much I have.  I don’t go out and spend it on anything important…I dont like it enough to find ways to make it…I just spend it on food really…we don’t have much money.

2. Cleaning…I just don’t ever think to clean up after myself.  My brain gets so fuzzy about it that i just shove things in places in a messy way and I forget about it.  I just can’t get my head around it.  I totally suck at cleaning.

These two things bother me a lot.  The fact that I’m dumb about them.

I think part of the thing to do is to change my mind about them somehow.  Why can’t I decide to like cleaning?  Attitude is a choice.  Why can’t I decide to not be scared of the whole money thing and conquer it head-on?   It’s all such a jumble in my mind.  I can’t think clearly upon these things at all.  GRRR.

Anyway, there’s a part of my dad that’s in me and I HATE it so much.  Not only because it’s part of him but because it’s pathetic.

Amongst a million other flaws, my dad has this serious issue with motivation.  His is so bad that it’s ruined his life.  Mine isn’t so bad.  But you know, the whole starting projects and never finishing, messy house, no drive to fulfil my dreams…etc.  I hate it with all of my heart.

I have no clue how to find the motivation to do things I don’t want to do or things that I am scared of.  That inner strength is hard to find within me for some reason, especially if I’m the only person relying on me.

That’s so…DAD…grrrr.  I want nothing to do with that man at all.  Anyway, I heard Alicia Keys perform this at the AMA’s and I felt inspired by it.

Everywhere I’m turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I’m searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I’m a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women, all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun
And all my sisters
Coming together
Say yes I will
Yes I can

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I’m a Superwoman

When I’m breaking down
And I can’t be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows
Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly
We can fly, Oh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I’m a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I’m a Superwoman

I need all the inspiration I can get

I guess you could say I’m officially bisexual…with a strong attachment to penises.  There needs to be a word for us people.  We love our men but being with a woman is SO DAMN HOT!  I like I like.

Let’s call me….bi selective.

YUM

In the grocery store yesterday, with starving tummies, we found out they seized our bank account.  We’re poor already but now we can’t even use our money.

At first I was SO pissed at hubby, beyond belief pissed because this was SO avoidable.  He’s just like me, hates dealing with that kind of stuff so he puts it off.

Then I got this voice in the back of my head saying “try finding some empathy for the guy, hold his hand through this and be his damn partner”.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it at first but when I saw him hunched over on the couch, eating supper we had just bought with our renovation money, I found it.

I fixed him a drink, gave him a bag of chips and put the kids to bed.  He had to leave right away to practice with his band so I just held his hand and told him that I’m holding his hand through this, I don’t need to make him feel like more of an ass.

I think that was kind of a profound thought I had there.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever thought of it, and not the last, but it was a profound moment for me.  Hold his hand when he fucks up big time instead of being mad and making him deal alone.  I did say “for better or for worse” I think.

I always feel like we’re not much of a team and that it’s his fault but it seems like I need to change my attitude as well.  And I have.  Natural consequences are here for a reason he doesn’t need me to bitch at him, he needs me to be on his side.  I’m on his team, not the opposing side.

Why didn’t that sink in before?  Seems like a DUH kind of moment hey?

Hopefully you will all still love me (all 6 of you ha ha) and we’ll start fresh.