Sacred

So, it’s been ages and ages of all this talking and trying to figure out if this…”open”…lifestyle is for us.  Now that we’re in it, I can see how it definitely can fit in our life…to a point.

I didn’t realize I would have such a hard time with the actual “intercourse” part.  I suddenly am having this deep sense of sacredness about my…um…sex?  I dunno the right word for it.  Hubby is the only one I’ve slept with EVER and there’s something sacred in that.  There’s something sacred about the fact that that is only for him.  Perhaps I DO have a moral compass.

I’m more protective over myself in that way than my own husband.  I could easier allow him to have sex with a women than I would allow myself to have sex with a man.  I mean, I’ve been VERY close to intercourse with another man and I’d enjoy it at the time…but then it’s over.  Hubby’s not my only one anymore.  The sacredness of it all is, gone.

It’s funny, for a woman who can suck a guy off with another woman while her husband is knuckles deep in both their pussies, I have a moral conviction about this.  Odd isn’t it?

I’ve been considering how to go about it, if I do decide that I want to go ahead with it all.  It WOULD be so much fun to try sex with other people.  My problem is that I don’t want the first person to be just ANYONE.  It’s like, giving something of myself again, like when I gave away my virginity.  It’s like….a second…virginity.  

It has to be someone I trust completely, someone I find to be really sexy, and someone who respects me and my husband.  I already have him in mind.  I’m not going to say TOO many good things about him cuz I know he reads this  But he’s all those things.  He’s also someone who’s in the EXACT same place as me in this.  Unsure.  

But then, is that a bad idea?  There might be something wrong about doing that with someone you have history with.  Feelings?

I love my husband to bits, there’s no way on earth I’d leave him for ANYONE.  Never ever ever ever ever ever ever.  But, with anyone, there’s feelings.  I have feelings for my friends.  Feelings are GOING to happen.  

So which are the wrong ones and which are the right ones?

I care, I respect, this person is special to me in a variety of ways.  I love him as a friend whom I’ve had a lot of history with and someone who I connect with on a very cool level.  I’m not going to fall IN love with him.  I wont want to run away and make babies with him.  Nothing would overshadow my affection for my own husband or my lust for him.

A new connection would be made though.  If that’s “feelings”  I dunno.  But there would be something there.  I have absolutely no clue what it would be like or how I would feel with it.  But, I feel like there would be an IT.  A completely non threatening IT.  But it’s still something…and I don’t know if that’s wrong or not?

I still don’t know about it all though.  Part of me just wants to be blindfolded and gang banged by a bunch of strange men.  Part of me wants to just tell my husband that I’m backing out of the sex part.  The other part wants that boy (ya I just called him a boy lol).

This lifestyle CAN be sexy without the intercourse.  I mean, saturday night…wow.  It was an amazing 4some.  Lets just say I’m a squirter and things got rather wet.  It was so sexy.  The guy I was with though, I don’t wan him to be the first guy I fuck…I dunno if I even want to fuck him.

It was also so sexy to be with that “boy” on my couch, totally naked, enjoying each other.  It just made me want more of him.  LOTS more.

That’s it for today’s verbal vomit.  I’m too lazy to check for spelling mistakes.

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